BRCA: Coming Out of the Fog

 

I actually laughed out loud when I came across this picture because it shows EXACTLY how I felt over the weekend. It's pretty safe to say that I had a million and one thoughts running through my head after meeting with the Breast Specialist on Thursday to discuss my BRCA2 positive gene. I had to deal with some tough "thoughts" this weekend. I'm strong in my faith, but I also know that the Devil is very clever, and he likes to take your doubts and throw them in your face ... especially when you're going through a difficult time. Here are some of the thoughts I encountered over the weekend.

• If I have these surgeries (full hysterectomy and full mastectomy) am I not trusting that God will heal me?
• Am I playing God by holding the key to change my future?
• Why have I been given so much "power"?
• What will others think if I have implants? I've never looked at implants in a positive light and maybe that's because our society has skewed my image of them so badly. That being said, I have friends with implants and they are wonderful people, but it was just never on my radar as something that I would do.
• Will others think that I'm just getting implants because the insurance will pay for it?

And the thoughts just kept coming. I've never been one to care what others think of me so I know that the Devil was working REALLY hard on me this weekend. It was just a "weird" experience. I felt like I had a wall up and it was going to be hard to break it down ... on my own.

 

And that's where my friends come in. I'm so thankful for the army that supports me, prays for me, and checks on me. With each phone call, text, song, verse, and fb message ... the wall was coming down ... and not on my own power, but by the power of God speaking through those that love me. Here are a few of my wall breakers:

• Prayer. Just simply praying for wisdom and clear decisions to be made for our future.
• I met a friend on a fb page that is walking a very similar journey to mine. We both heard our news within a week of each other, we're both facing the same surgery decisions, and believe it or not, we both have a daughther with the nickname Lou. This friend has been a big support for me and I pray that I'm the same support for her.
• I recalled my Boot camp instructor saying that "lots of people will speak to you, but very few people will speak through you."
• In other words, people will say stupid things so I need to let those comments bounce off of me and I need to let the supportive comments sink in to my heart.
• The below story was sent to me, which showed me that God is saving me by allowing me to know about this gene before potentially getting cancer. This was my hardest struggle because we pray over our health every day and so I questioned why I would get this gene, but then I realized that God IS protecting my health. He's giving me a way out, if you will. He's answering my prayer ... His way, not my way. I had actually used this same story about a week before, but I quickly forgot about it and never thought to apply it to this situation until a friend reminded me of it. The knowledge of this gene is my helicopter.
• There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drove off.
• The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in. Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then left.
• The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim said, "That's okay." The woman said, "Are you sure?" Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."
• Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God. Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?" God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
• In addition to that story, another friend put it very simply on Saturday when she said, "if someone is told that they have a 57% chance of dying of heart failure if they don't eat better and exercise, then you know they'll change."
• She's right. I've been given certain health statistics by the doctors that are educated to make those percentages, and it would be wise of me to make the changes that I need to make to allow me to live longer.
• These lyrics from the song Stronger by Mandissa spoke to me: "When the waves are taking you under. Hold on just a little bit longer. He knows that this is going to make you stronger, stronger."
• And also these lyrics from the song 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman: "Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me. Let me be singing when the evening comes."
• Over the weekend, I had a conversation with my best friend and she nailed it when she said that each appointment with the various doctors is like a bomb going off. After some times has passed, the dust settles and we rise above the ashes. I couldn't have described my experience any better than that. So, with that knowledge, we face a few more Dr's appointments next week and we will be more prepared for those bombs to go off. This may not make the situation any easier, but it does put it in perspective.

I finally felt my fog lifting and the wall crumbling down on Sunday night, so with the urging of my best friend, I chose my three battle verses to get through this process. Please read these and pray them over our family. Each day will bring different news and different directions so we are "putting on the full armor of God" and we are preparing for whatever may come our way.

•  Psalm 29:11 - "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."
• Footnotes: The same power that raised Christ from the dead is available to help us with our daily problems. When you feel weak and limited, don't despair. Remember that God can give you strength. The power that controls creation and raises the dead is available to you.
• Nehemiah 8:10 - "This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
• 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 - "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
• Footnotes: Although God did not remove Paul's affliction, he promised to demonstrate his power in Paul. The fact that God's power is displayed in weak people should give us courage. We will turn to God to seek pathways for effectiveness. We must rely on God for our effectiveness rather than simply on our own energy or effort. Our weakness not only helps develop Christian character, it also deepens our worship, because in admitting our weakness, we affirm God's strength.

I truly hope that this post can help someone else that may be going through a tough journey. I want you to know that it's ok to be confused. It's ok to get lost in the fog. It's ok to lean on others to break down your walls. It's ok!