BRCA: 3 Weeks Post Double Mastectomy & Reconstruction

I had a battle going on in my head this weekend, which actually shows signs that I'm improving. It means that my pain meds are decreasing and my thought process is increasing. For the first 2 weeks after surgery, I took strong pain meds to help me rest. Before this surgery, I had not taken narcotic pain meds for more than a few days after another major surgery. I didn't even take them after giving birth three times so this was a new experience for me. I don't like pain meds and I don't like feeling loopy, but they were necessary. During week three, I decreased the pain meds and increased the Tylenol since I was starting to feel better. Let's be honest, pain meds put your brain in a relaxed state to where you know what's going on, but you can't quite remember the day to day things, and you sleep a lot. I needed this time of rest, I still do, but I was more than happy to start eliminating the pain meds.

So, back to my battle. Because I was coming out of the 'medicine fog,' I was starting to miss my girls, a lot! Not that I didn't miss them before, but it finally sunk in that they had already stayed with my parents for three weeks and I would need my parents help to watch them another two weeks until I could see the doctor again and get cleared to do more activity. Five weeks. That's a long time. I'm extremely grateful that my parents are willing to help us and I know, without a doubt, that the girls are having a blast at Camp Pops & Weasey, but I'm so glad I didn't know how many weeks this would take before surgery or I may have changed my mind. I'm their mom so I'm suppose to take care of them. It's my job. All of that sunk in this weekend while we were playing with the girls (we joke that weekends are our visitation times because they stay with us), so when my husband took them back to my parents house last night, I cried. Hard. It was the first time I cried since surgery and it wasn't even about the surgery. It was about the fact that I can't enjoy this time with my kids. I needed that time to cry. So, I posted a little something on Facebook and was encouraged by my friends responses. This too shall pass.

These are some other encouraging quotes that were sent to me this weekend or that just happened to be in my Facebook newsfeed. Coincidence? Nope.

I still hesitate to call myself a runner, but I did run my first half marathon last November (just 6 weeks before finding out about my BRCA2 gene) so I know that God had a plan when he had me set out for that goal last year, knowing what my journey would look like this year, and also knowing that I've already committed to run a full marathon once I'm healed. Oh goodness, I just put that in writing. I hope no one read that because once I state it, I'm doing it!

So, here is where I'm at three weeks after surgery:

• The pain is considerably better. It's still there, but much much less. I feel more tightness and discomfort from the expanders than anything.
• Occasionally, as my pec muscles stretch, they feel like they have Charlie horses in them, which isn't pleasant.
• Speaking of the expanders, they feel like deflated basketballs shoved under my skin. Seriously. I'm certain that they're 5,000 times too big for my body. I know that this will improve as time goes on, but it's weird.
• Women will get this one - the expanders feel like the most uncomfortable under wire bra you've ever worn. You know, the one that digs into your sternum all day and you can't wait to get home and take it off?!
• Another one for the women - ever so often I feel as if my milk is coming in. I'm not sure if these are phantom feelings or the nerves trying to revive themselves, but both breasts are numb so it's an odd sensation.
• I still can't move my arms much until I see the doctor in early August so I'm slowly working on my range of motion without doing too much extra movement. I don't want my muscles to tighten up so I have a few exercises to work on each day.
• I was able to shower 4 days ago and it was glorious ... and gross all in one. I had a lot of dead skin to clean off, which doesn't happen in just one shower. In fact, I still had skin peeling off when I stepped out of the shower today. Glorious and gross!
• Speaking of shower, it's strange to not be able to feel the water hit my chest. I pray that the sensation comes back so I don't always have that feeling of nothing. It's hard for my head to grasp that I'm healing, yet I'm unable to feel parts of my body that were fine before surgery.
• Like I said before, my chest is numb, but I can still feel the muscles stretching over the expanders underneath the skin, which is unlike anything that can be explained. 
• I was told that I can sleep on my side at night, with lots of pillow support, but I haven't tried it yet. The thought of it kind of grosses me out because it will more than likely be painful and there's no need in causing more pain than necessary. I'll stay on my back for now.
• Per the doctor, I started putting all natural Arbonne lotion on my incision scabs today to help them slowly fall off because I got a wiff of them yesterday and they smell like the skin under a newly removed cast. Pure stank.
• My 'dying' nipple is healed. It made a full recover. Yay! 

To get out of my slump this weekend, I listened to the song 'Blessed Be Your Name' by Matt Redman quite a few times. This song reminded me to praise God on the good days and to praise Him on the bad days, knowing that He will never leave me or forsake me. How blessed I am to know this truth! Here are some of the song lyrics.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful 
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out 
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering 
Though there's pain in the offering 
Blessed be Your name

Whatever you're facing, simply know that you're not alone. You have a God that loves you, that knows every detail of your story, that knows every detail of your future, and that knows that this too shall pass. Continue to speak life into your situation and allow God to work through you for His greater purpose.